I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
