I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
