what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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