Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
