I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
