If i come over, it means nothing
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
