the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize