how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He shit in the fireplace
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
