he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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