I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize