There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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