Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
