I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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