Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wish I only lived at night.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
