It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
