i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
