About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
