Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
