our cab driver is having phone sex.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
