just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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