i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
