I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
