Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
