The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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