He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
