Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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