Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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