Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize