he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
