You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he was CRYING into my vagina
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
