I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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