he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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