Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
