Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
