MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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