JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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