I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
