We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
