I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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