dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
