I think i sorta joined a cult last night
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
