god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize