The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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