omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize