I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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