There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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