btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
