new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize