ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
