I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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