i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The beer is more important than you right now.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
