Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Jerry, you need to find god
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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