Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
