I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
