Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Come share oat with me in your robe
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
