You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Green mimosas i think yes
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
