My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize