I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
