i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
